Friday, March 23, 2012

A Struggling Heart, A Happy Heart

This is my heart...

This coming week marks my due date for my second pregnancy. Nothing can take away the pain of this kind of loss. There are certain things that make "coping" the loss our second baby even harder; although my peace and trust in the Lord and gratitude for life struggles was something I did not experience the first time, and I will not trade such blessing and lesson for anything. I was much further along in my second pregnancy, so naturally planning and preparation began to take place. I do not like that when I pull luggage out from underneath the guest bed that I have to see a stash of diapers. I do not like that every day when I go into our garage I have to see nursery furniture and a crib that should welcoming a baby but there is no baby.

Call me crazy, but I really thought I would coast through these couple of weeks unmindful by the whole thing. I was dead wrong. My heart is heavy and I'm sad. I know it's normal for me to feel this way as I approach a day that had such a life changing event attached to it, but I have such tremendous joy and gratitude for my family, friends, job, and life in general that I thought this week would be a cinch. Lesson to me and I'm thankful for this lesson. Although it sounds odd, I'm thankful that the Lord allows us to "feel". I'm not an emotionally numb person by any stretch of the imagination, obviously, as I sit here and blog about my most personal emotions and vulnerability, but in all honesty it was a feeling of "numbness" I hoped for in regards to coasting through these couple of weeks. Lord, thank you for loving me so much that I have the gift of feeling and reality. Thank you for letting me feel the sadness and grief of never meeting our sweet baby until the day you call me Home. Lord, thank you for loving me so much that even in sadness I'm reminded of your Grace. Jesus, please remind me over the next week that I'm guarded in your love and grace. Lord, thank you for my sweet husband and the godly man you shaped him to be.  Even when it's most hard, I will be still and know that you are God.

This is my story, this is my song.


  1. tears. I love you so much Whit. Your strength amazes me and I'm so honored to be your sis. xo

  2. I'm so so sorry! I can't begin to imagine how you feel as I have never lost a child. But I do understand that yearning in your heart that can't be healed and the frustration with God and His timing as my husband and I are dealing with infertility. You are in my prayers!

  3. Whitney - your family is in my thoughts and prayers. I am so sorry for your loss. Your facebook posts about your puppies always bring a smile to my face, you are such a good mama to them. Your family is so lucky to have such a strong woman who can lovingly withstand this crippling pain with such perseverance. When the time does come for the birth of your child - you will have so much wisdom, so much compassion, so much joyful love. Although your post brings tears to my eyes as I look at my own baby daughter, I can't help but glance back up to the top where you mention that this coming week marks your due date. Celebrate those sweet baby souls, they are smiling down and protecting you always.